Interpersonal Effectiveness for Teen Girls

This post is a part of our All About DBT series. Check out our other posts about Emotion Regulation, Interpersonal Effectiveness, Mindfulness, and Walking the Middle Path.

The Power of Interpersonal Effectiveness

Are you finding that every interaction with your teen turns into a battle? How can you effectively encourage them to complete chores, finish their homework, or simply pay attention to what you're saying? Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) Interpersonal Effectiveness skills provide a powerful toolkit to empower you in these situations. Simply put, interpersonal effectiveness is the ability to better approach and come out of interpersonal interactions with a sense of confidence and accomplishment. 

When to use (which) Interpersonal Effectiveness Skills

The question isn’t when to use interpersonal effectiveness skills but rather which skill to use. The first step to determining which skill to use is clarifying your goal:

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1. Do you want the other person to do something for you? For instance, this could be asking your teen to do their chores or their homework. 
2. Do you want to improve your relationship? For instance, feeling closer to your teen and having them share more things with you in the future.
3. Do you want to feel good about yourself after an interaction? For instance, feeling like you stood up for yourself or that you conducted yourself in an appropriate manner.

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Ideally, we can achieve a balance between these goals during interpersonal interactions. By setting clear intentions beforehand, you can stay focused on what truly matters. 

What are Interpersonal Effectiveness Skills

Now that you have clarified your goal, you can decide which skill to use:

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1. Communicate Effectively (aka: Get what you need) using the acronym: ‍DEAR MAN. DEAR MAN is broken up into two parts: DEAR is what to say and MAN is how to say it. some text

1. Describe: state the facts (and only the facts) of the situation. 
2. Express: state your emotions or thoughts about the situation. 
3. Assert: ask what you need from the other person. 
4. Reinforce: why the other person should consider your ask - what’s in it for them? 

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While asking, (stay) Mindful, Appear confident, and Negotiate. In other words, keep focused on your goal, state your objective with confidence, and allow for some back and forth to make it more likely to achieve your objective.

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Here’s an example with asking my teen to clean their room:

• Describe: I noticed that you haven’t cleaned your room this week. 
• Express: It is helpful when you clean your room. 
• Assert: Do you think you could please clean it today? 
• Reinforce: If you clean your room today, then you can spend the weekend with your friends. 

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My MAN might look like: asking clearly and confidently. If my teen responds that they have a big test tomorrow and need to study, I might negotiate to ask if they can clean it tomorrow, instead of today, after their test.

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Remember: just because you ask, doesn’t automatically mean you will get your way, but you can leave the interaction knowing that you tried to achieve your objective as effectively as possible.

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2. Strengthen your relationships with the acronym: GIVE. some text
   • (Be) Gentle
   • (Act) Interested
   • Validate
   • (Use an) Easy manner

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By validating what they are feeling, you are more likely to build trust with your teen, which in turn allows them to feel like they can turn to you to share more. It’s not about solving problems - it’s simply being there for them. 

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3. Maintain your self-respect using the acronym: FAST. some text
   • (Be) Fair
   • (No) Apologies
   • Stick to your values
   • (Be) Truthful. 

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By expressing it in this way, you can leave an interaction confident that you stuck up for yourself and that you conducted yourself in a way that maintains your self-respect.

Conclusion

Mastering interpersonal effectiveness isn't about being manipulative or always getting your way. It’s about fostering healthy, respectful interactions that honor your needs and the needs of others. These skills can be learned and refined over time with practice, offering a powerful framework for navigating life’s many social challenges.Whether you’re striving to deepen your relationships, negotiate more effectively at work, or simply communicate more clearly with those around you, DBT Interpersonal Effectiveness skills provide a roadmap to more satisfying interactions.

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